The Good Girl Meets Goldilocks

In guiding, inspiring and encouraging women for decades to uncover their purpose, recover their power and discover their destiny, I have been struck by the similarity of experiences that women have, regardless of country or culture when the “Good Girl meets the Goldilocks Syndrome”.   In September, I offered a free Decade Game Introductory Series and was pleased that over 600 women signed up representing all ages and stages.  In reading their journal responses to the question, "What are the stories that are holding you back that are compromising your dreams?", something crystalized for me.  I have always known that there is a Goldilocks spectrum that goes from “not enough” to “too much” (I am in the “you are too much” category) – but never “just right”.  Their responses led me to put names to the different “emotional moments of truth” that shape the underlying stories that have kept women from being and doing their heart’s desire. I have mapped them on this Power Spectrum.

Here are some of the themes I heard that illustrate some of the stories embedded in each emotional moment of truth:

Get the “A”: A story of performance at all costs knowing that you have the ability to climb any mountain and accomplish any challenge put in front of you. You are Ms. Responsibility, able to keep multiple balls in the air as long as you never stop juggling.  You are struggling with how to be sure to make the right choices going forward.

Dim My Light: You know how talented you are yet when you really shine you are concerned that you will make others’ feel “less than” and the concern that when you win, others lose.  When you are enjoying your brightness, as you should, you are told you are “too much, too proud, too loud, too powerful, too bossy”. You feel misunderstood as to your intentions and underappreciated for your gifts.

Imposter Syndrome:  You are able to step up and show up to do the work in a man’s world and prove your competency, over and over. Yet you feel that you must be perfect in order to mask your doubts of not having the right “stuff” and qualifications.  You find it safer to be the #2 than push to be the #1 “Game Changer in Charge”.  You believe that your work, your voice, and your truth are not as important as your colleagues.  

Be the Comforter: You are great at comforting others first – even at the expense of your own comfort. Setting clear boundaries that don’t become barriers or bunkers for your desires and needs is always a fraught process. You have a tendency to overstay in relationships that don’t serve you.  Don’t rock the boat is a strong mantra. Your Good Girl voice tells you that it is selfish to be self-centered and that humility and strength don’t mix.

Not Enough: You have a crazy roommate in your head who is constantly telling you that you are not enough and that others are better, more valuable, more articulate, more likeable, more beautiful, more qualified, more deserving, more senior, more privileged, younger than you. These stories keep you off center stage, and in some cultures, backstage. You stay in relationships that don’t serve you so that you are not alone.

Not Allowed: You have not been given the options to experiment and spread your wings to see what is possible.  It wasn’t safe.  You have dreamt big and played small. This might have happened in your family or culture of origin. Or it could be the perceived reality in our culture that favors youth, male, white.  In any case, you look out on a limited horizon.

Although these stories are limiting, its important to remember that one of the unique traits of “Homo Sapiens”, meaning the Wise Ones, is that we are amazing story tellers.  So let’s tell the best story of our lives going forward.  Time to rewrite the fairy tale.
 
Game On!